Shit, Actually

Lindy West is a little kooky. But she is also very clever and very funny. In her book, Shit, Actually: The Definitive 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, she tears apart multiple movies that have defined many pop culture lives (mine included) and she doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks. She says the selections fit at least one of three categories: 1) cultural phenomenon 2) movies she loved 3) movies she picked because she felt like “someone should talk about them.” And then she tells the reader not to think about it too hard. It’s hilarious. She also grades each movie based on The Fugitive. Because, why not?

I read the critiques of movies I’ve seen (18 of 23) and she just rips them all to pieces. But she also makes some excellent points – such as the lack of substance written for the female characters in Love Actually. Or how Honey, I Shrunk The Kids is really about how marriage is hard but worth it. Her analysis of Top Gun had me laughing out loud – especially the parts about how Maverick sucks as a protagonist (Iceman is the hero in West’s world) and that introducing himself to Kelly McGillis as Maverick is ridiculous – “why would you introduce yourself as your call sign?! She’s not a PLANE.” I also I love how West points out that he arrives to dinner late and then wants to take a shower at HER HOUSE. That part has always irked me!

That being said, anyone can talk shit. But West actually does her research which is clear in the chapter about The Rock – which by the way was a lot longer than anticipated – when she mentions the history of the chemicals used by Nicolas Cage and the history of Alcatraz. My favorite part of the critique: “at the last second Ed Harris changes the coordinates and makes the rocket fire into the ocean because King Triton didn’t pay him one hundred million seashells.” Who knew The Little Mermaid had anything to do with a Sean Connery movie? Brilliant.

Speaking of Disney movies, West accurately acknowledges that all the animals getting along in The Lion King makes no sense: “The circle of life is way more complicated when everyone can talk.” I wonder how Elton John feels about that! 🙂 When she describes Simba coming back and seeing how “Scar has somehow managed to dry up all the water with his shitty attitude” I laughed out loud. The only other villain I can think of who is as slimy and manipulative as Scar, and who somehow smiles like a Cheshire cat, is Rupert from Ted Lasso. But I digress.

While I came to this book for the Top Gun, I stayed for the Reality Bites. Stephanie Peterman (aka my ultimate book buddy) told me she died laughing when she read West’s review of the movie we’ve been quoting since middle school (“don’t bogart the can, man”) so I couldn’t wait to read what she wrote about the notorious 90s Gen-X foursome. Says West, “I know you’re not really supposed to identify with these characters…but I’m pretty sure those teen feelings have had a tangible effect on how I turned out as an adult.” So true. I analyzed that movie so many times in middle and high school it’s embarrassing. Anyway, West absolutely dismantles Troy and it’s beyond hysterical. “They don’t actually give a shit about what you think – you’re a TWENTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD UNEMPLOYED POET– they’re just being nice. They have mortgages.” Amazing. And then, the best of the best: “Frozen Embryos > Hey, That’s My Bike.” If you know, you know.

My second favorite review/criticism is of Speed because, even though I love that movie, she’s right about everything. West loves Keanu Reeves too but points out that “there is something unnatural about his vibe.” I hear you Lindy! Also, her observations about TUNEMAN, Keanu calling one of the bus passengers “Gigantor” instead of “Sir,” and Dennis Hopper’s “derelict mannequin factory” made me laugh so hard because I’ve had those same thoughts over the years. What the hell was happening in the 90s?!

If you love movies, and won’t get your feelings hurt by reading content that includes lots of unnecessary caps and punctuation, this book is a fun, quick read for the pop culture nerds out there. Just be prepared to side with Iceman.

Quotes:

I’ve only seen Love Actually once, but I consider the “Bill Nighy and his technicolor dream-blouse” description to be solid gold.

“Who writes their novel on loose pages on a typewriter in an open-air shack next to a pond? Amelia Bedelia?” HAHA!

“Remember that thing we almost didn’t survive? Aren’t you so glad we did?”

“Keep this metaphor with you always – it is very useful when you have more than one problem at once. Sometimes you have to let the T. rex fight the raptors.”

“‘Relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.’ Is that true? What is this based on? I saw the movie when I was way too young to have a concept of what a relationship is actually like, and I definitely filed this away as conventional wisdom.” Same.