Robin Dunbar’s book Friends caught my eye for two reasons: 1) I love sociology and anthropology because I find people – for better or worse – fascinating. 2) Recently I’ve read multiple articles that cite Dunbar’s Number aka “how our capacity for friendship is limited to around 150 people.” I thought that number was interesting and wanted to know more. I even roped a longtime friend of mine into reading the book too.
Since having a kid and moving into our fifties and forties, respectively, Wookie and I have noticed our friend circle getting smaller which is fine with both of us. Everyone is busy and has different priorities. While people without kids have more flexibility, those with families have school schedules, events, and activities to consider beyond work. In chapter five, Dunbar mentions how the friends adults make through their kids are fluid and sometimes based on attending the aforementioned school functions which is completely accurate. Those of us living in Eagle County have additional hurdles. Because we live in an expensive, transient town, people move all the time which means friendships that you’ve put time into can disappear out of nowhere. It’s happened to me and it is so disheartening because, when you meet a new friend, you start wondering if making the friend is “worth” the time.
While Dunbar is exceptionally intelligent, extremely educated, and an excellent writer who goes above and beyond with his research – at the risk of sounding like a jerk – some of the information I read felt “obvious.” In the first chapter there is a section that talks about how when friends visit when you’re sick their presence makes you feel better. Well, of course! When he says that humans tend to “act more altruistically towards our innermost friendship circle” that again is obvious. Of course we’re going to prioritize our closest friends. In chapter nine, the author talks about how people find more life satisfaction when they have meaningful conversations versus engaging in small talk. Again, that seems like it should go without saying but I’m glad he mentions it because small talk – especially at kid birthday parties or school events – is exhausting. In chapter ten Dunbar says that people with similar interests tend to be friends….yeah….we know.
All that being said, Dunbar provides a plethora of fascinating and new (to me) information throughout the book’s 359 pages. Although Dunbar’s Number is 150, he also states that each of us have five intimate friends. Those five people are the friends you would not feel embarrassed about asking for a favor and whom you would help no matter what. Then there are the Christmas card list friends which he describes as “a marker of a genuinely meaningful relationship.” I found that designation interesting because I bet I could make my list at least 25 percent smaller with a few quick clicks. Maybe that sounds harsh, but it’s true. Another good point Dunbar makes is that the adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” only really applies to family because if you go too long without seeing certain friends, sometimes those people become acquaintances. He adds that “time is a limited commodity” and “very much a zero-sum affair” which may seem obvious but actually provides perspective regarding why friend circles get smaller in your 40s vs 20s.
An interesting question he poses: “Is it more important to keep old friendships going or start new ones?” As I said earlier, living in a resort town poses logistical friendship challenges that makes the above question something to ponder. The “Thirty-Minute Rule,” which states that people will make an effort to see those who live within thirty minutes, is interesting because Dunbar says that timeframe applies to driving, biking, or walking distance. I also like that the author talks about how pointless “the catch-up” is because that conversation of “we should get together soon” without any definitive timeline or effort drives me crazy and is therefore not worth my time. That being said, there are friends who I may not see for a few months or even years and we pick up right where we left off as if no time has passed. Those are the legit long-term friendships worth keeping.
Chapter sixteen was most interesting to me because it focuses on how social media has affected friendships. Dunbar explains that platforms like Facebook have made it so our different personas are no longer compartmentalized. “In real life, our contacts partition neatly into small groups that rarely overlap and seldom interact, so it is possible to present very different personas to different constituents. Facebook allowed many of these people to sign up to the same shared community and this exposed everyone to the different versions of you.” Once Facebook opened up to the world (rather than solely college students with .edu email addresses) people from all parts of one’s life were given a window into everything.
Dunbar also talks about how WhatsApp gained popularity because, following the epic rise of Facebook, people realized the value of private conversations. Additionally, his description of texting is extremely accurate as texting “has become one of the most used channels of communication” and is “completely embedded in the fabric of everyday social exchange.” Although chapter sixteen ends abruptly, it does highlight this significant final thought on the penultimate page: “The rise of social networking sites and the new forms of digital social media has been the single most important social event of the new millennium. It has, quite literally, revolutionized our social lives.”
Here is the big picture point I think Dunbar tries to make with this book and with his 150 number: “friends are not, in reality, all that easy to acquire and maintain” because “we live in a complex, interwoven, constantly changing social world that requires immense skill and mental effort.” These are essential things to keep in mind – especially when it feels like friends are few and far between or that maintaining certain friendships becomes more of a chore than it should. Being a good friend takes time and effort and deciding who gets that kind of time (especially since most of us are extremely busy) is important.
Quotes
“Friends do a lot for us and we invest in them to ensure that they do.”
“Our social world is by far the most complex thing in the universe precisely because it is so dynamic and in constant flux, and keeping track of that and managing it is very demanding.”
“The pull of friendships can sometimes be overwhelming.”
“The number of close friends you have is closely correlated with how engaged you are with your local community.”
“Conversation is hard cognitive work and it doesn’t come for free.”
“Stories and folktales are what bring us together as a community.”
“It seems that if a stranger has the same musical tastes as you, you are much more likely to see them as a promising prospect for being a friend.” Amen.
“The more selfish liars there are in the population, the more fragmented the community becomes.” Yes.
“Men and women live in two rather different social worlds.”
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